Am I a Hindu or a Buddhist?

Last December, just before the holidays started, my professor asked me if I celebrated Christmas. Before I could answer she added what religion I practiced. I was dumbfounded for a while. Perhaps unable to decide if I should say I am a Hindu or a Buddhist. It wasn't the first time I was confronted about my religious orientation. Yet every time the question hits me, I find myself unable to give a clear answer.

The Hindu in me

When I was growing up, Dashain used to be the biggest festival we celebrated at home. It still is. On Tika day, we would have my phupus and kancha buwa come over to our place along with their families. More than the blessings, we- the kids- were excited about dakshina. Right after the tika ceremony we would dash off to Gaauri ko pasal, which remained open even on tika day to buy titauras. I remember mom telling us not to wash away the red on our forehead until the next day. We always wondered why. 

So we celebrated Dashain and I thought that made me Hindu. But it soon dawned upon me that Dashain was more of a cultural heritage than a religious one in Nepal. Everybody in the country celebrated Dashain; well, at least until a few years ago before some Janajati leaders decided it wasn't "our" festival and urged all Janajatis to stop celebrating it. Strangely, my family hasn't given it up. We still have our family gatherings with red tika and green jamara very much in the picture.

But Dashain wasn't the only reason that made me feel I was a Hindu. At home we observed most if not all occasions in the Hindu calendar. Mom being the religious person that she is, made sure we didn't miss a single holy day. I am not as religious as her so I don't bother remembering all of them. However, I do remember my brother and me fighting over reading Swasthani in the cold winter evenings. Both of us would take turns to read lines from the book as fast as we could, trying to outdo each other so we could impress dad. On Saraswati puja, mom made us spend the whole day studying so we don't run short of bidhya and buddhi. In Tihar, amidst all the lights and music and celebration, I particularly enjoyed Bhaitika, when my brother would reluctantly give me money (which of course was given to him by mom) and would be forced to bow down to me. I couldn't feel more important. Then there was Shivaratri and Teej and Holi and so on. I remember, on Janai Purnima, the pandit bajey would come to our house to tie the holy thread around our wrist. One Janai Purnima he sent his grandson. I remember mom's disappointed tone, "Aaja ta sano bajey po aunu bhayechha." Little did she know the same sano bajey would be doing the honors in the years following. 

It wasn't just the festivals. My mom's religious tendencies made me surer of my Hindu disposition. Her days began with worshiping the idols of Gods and Goddesses in our wee little puja room. The ringing of the bell as she wrapped up her puja would act as our wake up alarm. And much to our annoyance she would force the red tika on our forehead before we could eat breakfast. Thankfully, she later switched to Bibhuti which didn't stay on the skin for long and wasn't very obvious. 

Mom's frequent visits to the cheena herauney guru had made her a bit of an expert in such matters. She would fast on Saturdays to pacify Shani- the black God who showed no mercy on wrong doers. Another fast on Tuesdays to appease Ganesh whose laddus I always envied. And after the guru portended some imminent misfortune, she started fasting on Purnimas too. It was only when the doctors advised against her fasting habit which was telling upon her health, that she decided to put an end to it. During the fast-ending ceremony, sangay garney as they say, I was immensely surprised when I saw the amount of coins she had worshiped over the years every full moon day. 

At home I grew up listening to tales from Ramayan and Mahabharat, not to forget Akbar and Birbal. The Indian TV serials only made it easier on my imagination. At school the textbooks read, "Nepal is the only Hindu kingdom in the world." Those were the days when the king was very much the head of the country and was considered to be the incarnation of Bishnu, one of the 3 main Hindu Gods. The phrase, "Hindu Kingdom" was a confirmation that I was a Hindu because I belonged here. 

My Buddhist roots

My first realization of my Buddhist roots came in a rather unceremonious manner when I was in the 6th standard. It was the year when my grandmother who had been ailing for a while, passed away one fateful morning. In no time the house was teeming with relatives- close and distant; many of whom I had never heard of in my entire life. They took her dead body to the aryaghat in Pashupati. When dad came home, he had his head shaven and arrangements were made in the house to make room for the kriya basney ritual. Remotely in my mind, I was aware of these rituals. The real blow came when the phone bell rang. The caller on the phone wanted to know where and when the simeki and arghu were to be held. These were new vocabularies for me. I was left clueless. Mom later told me they were rituals practiced on the 3rd and 13th day of the death. 

Having spent a good part of my childhood in boarding school I had little interaction with my relatives most of whom lived out of the valley. I had not been to any gathering of this kind and was oblivious of such practices. I was also unaware about the lama priests coming to our home occasionally to do pujas because they never came when I was home. It took my grandmother's death for me to realize that most of the rituals related to death performed in my community were strikingly different from those practiced in Hindu community. 

A year later when I went to my cousin's marriage, the first one I had ever attended, I discovered that marriage rituals in the Gurung community were also very different from those in Hindu culture. From what I had gathered from TV and books, I thought marriage ritual was not complete until the groom adorned the partition on the bride's head with vermilion powder (sindoor). Until the mangal sutra hung around the bride's neck. Until the bride and the groom took 7 rounds around the holy fire. At the marriage, I saw nothing of the kind. I was hugely disappointed. To my surprise, I did see the bahun bajey doing graha shanti earlier in the morning. Only after he left, the lama priest took charge of the ritual in a very Buddhist fashion.

Sometimes later I remember asking my parents why we celebrated Hindu festivals and yet when it came to death, birth and marriage rituals, we did something very unhindu. Perhaps more inclined towards Buddhist culture. I wasn't sure if it was a Buddhist thing. I only assumed so because of the involvement of lamas. Dad said he grew up celebrating Hindu festivals. He does not remember not celebrating them. Ditto for my mother. And the answer was no different for why we followed Buddhist practices during the most important events in our lives. Because it has been going on in the family/ community ever since they knew of it. I was not convinced.

What started as a self realization at home only became more alarming after I went to college. For some weird reasons we never discussed religion among friends in school. In college it was a different story. In my hugely Chhetri-Bahun dominated circle of friends they always assumed I was a Buddhist and therefore would/should know little or even nothing about Hinduism. Whenever I said we celebrate Hindu festivals they would look at me with surprise. When I recited Hindu shlokas and mantras (thanks to my mother) they wouldn't believe their ears. And when I told of mythologies of Hindu Gods and Goddesses they would be amazed. For a while it kept me wondering if I was not supposed to know so much about Hinduism. 

What I have to say?

Often Hindu and Buddhist beliefs intermingle at various points due to their common roots and these two religions have not been observed as separate communions at least in Nepal. One simple evidence is the fact that these religions share common deities and worshipping places. For instance, both Hindus and Buddhists go to offer prayers at Swayambhu, Muktinath, Haleshi, Budhanilkantha and Shani Mahankal temple to name a few. Hindus celebrate Buddha Jayanti and Buddhists celebrate Hindu festivals. In Nepal there are many people who live with this dual faith and to make a clear demarcation between the 2 faiths is difficult. Why then do we feel the need to tag each individual to one particular belief? Isn't it enough to say you believe in God (that is if you do) and not have to say which God from which religion in particular?

Today, after all these years, I am still confused and fumbling for the right thing to say when somebody asks me about my religion. When I have to fill in documents that require me to write my religion I think over a hundred times. Even then I find myself undecided. Should I write Hindu or Buddhist? How do I explain it to my Nepali friends that I am as much Hindu as them and again as much Buddhist at the same time. How do I make it clear to my non-Nepali friends that a Hindu in Nepal is different from that in India and a Buddhist in Nepal is not the same as the one from Japan. How do I explain to my western friends about the Hindu-Buddhist syncretism that is so common in Nepal? How do I make it clear that I was brought up part Hindu and part Buddhist?

That day when I said I practice both Hinduism and Buddhism, I wonder if my professor fully comprehended what I meant.